8 Offbeat Valentine’s Gifts

  • Mad Love

    We’re not going to argue that the candy boxes and stuffed teddy bears of yore could use an upgrade, but when MainStreet began conducting our annual round-up of wonderfully wacky Valentine’s gifts, we had no idea what we would find, or that any red-blooded retailer would offer these things. Anyway, if your love’s on the rocks or simply starved for some dark humor, let these gifts be your Valentine’s guide. We can’t guarantee your sweetie will love them, or that he or she will love you on Feb. 15th, but remember, it’s the thought that counts. Photo Credit: Getty Images
    Boyfriend Pillow
  • Boyfriend Pillow

    Give your owner of a lonely heart this full-body pillow ($39.95, plus shipping & handling) with a mannequin arm attached to the side (just remember to order online or you'll risk a disparaging look from the store clerk). As our reporter Seth Fiegerman put it, “it will be there for you when he can’t.” Photo Credit: Amazon.com
    Personalized Bodice Ripper
  • Personalized Bodice Ripper

    Bedtime reading just got a little more steamy thanks to your personalized bodice ripper ($39.95 paperback, $59.95 hardcover). You’ll be the “best husband ever!” as one unnamed shopper attests. Customize up to 26 features, including the names, features and places in your novel in one of the more than 15 scintillating plots. Fabio not included; all orders must be placed by Feb. 11. Photo Credit: Romance By You
    Heart-Patterned TP
  • Heart-Patterned TP

    Romantic toilet paper? It’s no boyfriend pillow, but it certainly does the job. Photo Credit: BaronBob.com
    Mini Me
  • Mini Me

    No, giving a stuffed animal version of yourself isn’t narcissistic at all! All “I Am A Stuffed Animals” measure 14” tall and 11” wide and take between four to six weeks to deliver ($69 plus shipping). Also doubles as a voodoo doll. Photo Credit: IAmAStuffedAnimal.com
    Bone Jewelry
  • Bone Jewelry

    Looking to bring more harmony and intimacy into your union? Nothing says “let’s get closer” quite like spending a few hours at a sterile wet lab in Britain to create a ring of biologically engineered human bone tissue (call for pricing). Just donate the bone, let the cells multiply like amoebae gone wild, then wait for your customized ring in the mail! Photo Credit: Biojewelry.co.uk
    Baldie Wipes
  • Baldie Wipes

    For the baldie in your life who also happens to sweat profusely comes Bald Guyz’ Head Wipes. Made with cooling Green Tea extract for that “clean and fresh feeling.” Available at Publix and Kroger, among other fine retailers. Photo Credit: BaldGuyz.com
    Candy Scale
  • Candy Scale

    Touted as “hilarious bathroom scales meant to make that ‘moment of truth’ not quite so dreadful,’ we fear these number-free scales would do the opposite. That said, at least it’s not chocolate-scented soap. Photo Credit: UncommonGoods.com
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