I had to laugh when I saw that clip on CNN displaying, in cartoon panels, how the $1 trillion-plus “stimulus” plan winds its way from Washington, through various pork-laden projects, before making its way into the wallets of average Americans at a rate of $15 per paycheck.

The last frame showing a happy American holding her extra $15 is priceless. I’m still looking for the frame where her homeless grandchild is left holding the tab.

I’ve never seen sausage being made, but the clip gave me a good idea.

And please - no letters or emails about how the latest bailout plan only costs $800 billion. Even the CNN cartoon admits that, with interest payments on the bonds we’re selling on the global fixed-income markets, the final number should be well north of $1 trillion before we’re through. And that's not even counting what happens if we have more trouble with our banking system. (I know what I'd do about the banks, if I were President.)

Hey, I’m all for stimulus, but give me a break. Most of the spending doesn’t even happen right away, so the idea that we’re going to get an immediate shot of fiscal adrenaline is a myth, right up there with the Easter Bunny and gold at the end of the rainbow.

Maybe we’ll have better luck with Washington’s new $75 billion plan to restructure mortgages. A lot of people have been asking me about it, but I really needed to see some details emerge before I could tell how effective it would be for strapped homeowners.

Here’s the long and short of it: If you own a home, hold a good job and your monthly mortgage payment is approximately 31 to 38% of your income, you stand a good chance of being eligible for help under the plan. From what I’m seeing, mortgage holders who are facing foreclosure or have a ballooning adjustable-rate mortgage should cut right to the front of the line.

The good news for most Americans is that, if Fannie Mae (Stock Quote: FNM) or Freddie Mac (Stock Quote: FRE) owns your mortgage, the chances of refinancing with a lower rate mortgage seem pretty good, too.

Any red flags for the Fed and banking officials who have the last word on mortgage help? Well, if your home has declined too far in value, I don’t think the banks will come on board. Also, if you’re heading to foreclosure and you’re out of a job, then my heart goes out to you. But don’t expect any help from Uncle Sam. Also, if you hold a jumbo mortgage worth more than $417,000, you’re likely not eligible for federal help.

The operative word here is “salvageable.” If a little nudge from Uncle Sam will put you back on the road to mortgage stability, you’re a good candidate for help.

How do you get started? Let’s have a look . . .

Read up on what Washington has on the table. The full details of the mortgage bailout plan won’t be unveiled until March 4. But the White House has prepared plenty of good reading on the subject. The Street.com also has a great column on how to make the housing rescue plan even better.

Talk to your lender. The White House, in tandem with the U.S. Treasury Department, is still figuring out how this all will work. But one thing you can do right away is contact your mortgage lender and see where you stand. Almost all lenders, and certainly the major ones, are holding off on foreclosures right now. They’ve also expanded loan modification departments to handle the expected crush of mortgage holders looking to cut a new deal. The early reviews aren’t great—the banks look like they’re really dragging their feet on loan modifications. But the impetus from Washington may finally get them off the dime, especially since Washington is promising to take some of the financial load off of the shoulders of lenders who are cutting new mortgage deals. Many banks, like Washington Mutual, allow you to apply for a loan modification online. Or, after a brief phone interview, they’ll send a loan mod application package to your house.