MainStreet Cougar Dating Money Rules

Cougar – (noun) sexy siren, older than her boyfriend and not at all interested in marriage or kids.

“Their mantra is ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you,’” says Valerie Gibson, author of Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men. Like a bachelor with a much younger gal pal, a cougar has no strings attached. Exhibit A? Gibson -- who declined to give her age, but brags, “I’m way up there, and I’m dating up a storm!”

When it comes to money matters, though, relationships between “cougars” and their “prey” can be confusing.

In anticipation of TV Land's (VIA) upcoming Untitled Cougar Project (which is scheduled to air in early 2009, and is the product of The Bachelor (DIS) creator, Mike Fleiss), MainStreet consulted a few cougar experts to find out the scoop.

It’s not money that cougars are after.
“They’re in it for the sex – which is splendid and absolutely marvelous!” raves Gibson, who has been married five times, including to one fellow who was 14 years younger. “The whole idea of a cougar is she’s in control of her social life and her sexual life…she’s holding the reins, so to speak.”

Cougars should never loan their prey cash.
The 'Bank of Cougar' screams “mother/son” more than it does “Demi/Ashton.” In her 25 years of practice, Dr. Diana Kirschner, psychologist and author of Love In 90 Days, says she’s seen lots of cougar-to-prey loans go awry. “He’s always starting some business,” the doctors muses, or he’s an aspiring painter/singer/actor without a day job. A good rule of thumb? “No loans!”

Some men can’t handle how much a cougar is worth.
Most cougars have their own money – they don’t need a man’s. “The average cougar is a professional working woman,” Gibson says. She may even have inherited money or won big in a divorce settlement (or two)! But unfortunately, a dame with her own dollars can be too much for some men to handle. “A lot of men, no matter what the age, do not like to be the one earning less,” says Gibson. Anecdotally, she has found that older men are more bothered by earning less. “Younger men have grown up with equality and women being equal,” she says. “They don’t have the same fears and emasculation worries.” If prey can’t handle his successful cougar, perhaps he’s not the right match for her.

Who should pay on dates?
It’s a modern dating conundrum: when older woman dates a younger man, who pays? Experts disagree. Gibson says Dutch is the way to go. “It’s just ordinary dating in that respect,” she says. But Kirschner says the man should always foot the dinner bill. “He should be paying; he should be courting from the beginning,” says Kirschner. “We want to avoid this feeling of the gold digger – so he should be paying from the beginning.” If not? “You get these relationships where it’s kind of like an adoption,” she warns.

Prenup, prenup, prenup.
“The things that work for [older] guys work for [older] women – prenups,” says Dr. Kirschner. So if you make it legal, see a lawyer. (And know that with a ring around your finger, you won’t be a cougar any more because you’ll be married!)

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